I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
