When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
