I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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