did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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