remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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