Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize