I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
