sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The air was thick with penises
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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