I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
