I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
