sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
