shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
