I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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