I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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