i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
