My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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