Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
