you have to choose: penises or morals?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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