i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
