Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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