Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I need a burrito and a hug.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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