i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
