Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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