There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize