Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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