i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
