you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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