please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
