Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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