I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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