I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
When are your genitals available?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
