Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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