that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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