I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
