Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
