Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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