you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
