She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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