I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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