my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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