I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
