My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize