bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
