If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Your penis caused this!
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