I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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