I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
