Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Watching her eat just hurts me
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
