I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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