just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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