I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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