Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
