I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I need mimosas to revive my soul
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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