I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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