So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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