I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
