NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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