Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
