Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
