That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
cat food counts as protein by the way
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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