Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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