Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
