I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
