If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
