You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
